UPDATE: What's in a name, Dakota?

Allow me, for a moment, to set up a scenario that seems all but an ancient legend: When a man and woman are married, and decide to express their love for each other by conceiving a child (is anyone still with me at this point?), they are partaking in a sacred gift from God which, while binding the couple to each other, binds them to the entire human family through its continuation and propagation. And how do they mark the occasion of this miracle of connectedness? They give the precious fruit of their loins a ridiculous name.

I've about had it with baby names. Susan often brings up the ludicrousness of needing a license to drive, but needing nothing other than the will, a willing partner, and several (hopefully private) moments to have a baby. And not only do many people seem tragi-comically insufficient to the task of raising the little monster, let alone impressing upon it the importance of self-control and manners, they have to afflict it with the nomenclatural equivalent of a drunken tattoo.

This seems to plague more girls than boys. I imagine this is because women have been fantasizing about the name they wish they'd been given since they were six. Recall the episode of Sex and the City when Charlotte becomes enraged at a friend's naming of her own child a name that Charlotte made up when she was little. Boys get good, familiar, proper names because every father knows the fate of a boy with an unusual, effeminate, or made up name. It's the stuff of nightmares. Oh, sure, the abuse and ridicule could spur them on to great accomplishments later in life (I worked at a prestigious school with a seemingly disproportionate number of students with unfortunate monikers). But at some point the child will realize that their name is borne out of nothing more than their parents' vanity. And when confronted by this resentment for a lifetime of social hardship, what is the parents' likely reaction? Offence, hurt feelings, and dismay at their unappreciative child. It's all about them, which is why the kid got the terrible name to begin with.

These regrettable names come in many forms, and from many motivations/inspirations, so they're a little difficult to categorize. We seem to have gotten to a point where no convention is too sacred to be manipulated, mangled, or just thrown out. No combination of the following silly/trendy name guidelines is out of bounds. However, the bases for most of these names, as I see it, come from the following:

1. Last Names as First Names – If it's a first name that ends in -son, it's a last name. Harrison, Jackson, Johnson. Names beginning with Mc or Mac are particularly pretentious. I'm surprised O'Malley hasn't cropped up. Thatcher, Taylor, Cooper, Smith, Mason, or any other medieval trades masquerading as a first name are also obnoxious. This phenomenon appears to affect boys more often (with the exception of Mackenzie, which is used for either), probably because the dad is pretentiously trying to impart gravity and manliness to his mewling, vomiting, incontinent, screaming mess with a mommy fixation.

2. City/State/Geographical Location/Feature – How many more girls named Madison do we have to tolerate before we get to ship them all there? Rachel, on Friends, fancied Sequoia, as did, no doubt, every other chick watching that episode. Dakota, Florida, Montana, Brooke (I know, different spelling, see "Creative Spelling" below), Fern, Brooklyn, etc. While America fits into this category, I'm going to make an exception for righteous cutie America Ferrera, and for the sake of patriotism, which seems to be in rather short supply these days, unlike girls named Madison.

3. Combination Names – This is an infrequently used but no less annoying method of naming one's progeny. Just take two favorite aunts and massacre their names to make a single monstrous hybrid. Below are some quotes of actual requests for advice on combined names :

• "PLS help i need a name for my new born but it must be a combination of the names NESTER & VALENCIA"
• "plss.... i want to have a name for my two months due baby.. its MUST be a combination of Julius and Sheryl.... or this name.... Moan and Jr.. PLEASE i really NEED it..... A.S.A.P......."
• "i want a combanation of Harsha and Urvashi."
• "pls help i need a name for my new born, but it must be a combination of the names thabo and Helen"
  

While I can appreciate the desire to memorialize a loved one with the naming of your child, I believe that a combination of two names is more often a ploy by the parents to be asked about which relatives' memories were soiled with this bastardization. Otherwise, it'll be assumed that it's something they just plain made up, which leads us to our next category…

4. Just Plain Made Up – Jadin. Jaiden. Jayden. Jaedyn. No matter how you spell it, it's a monument to your inability to think like an adult. You are not blessing your child with uniqueness. You're secretly trying to imbue your child with magical powers. And not only that, you are cursing them to a lifetime of people believing they named themselves in order to avoid mediocrity without actually having to accomplish something. John & Abigail Adams, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison (note the LAST name of this last name): all great and accomplished people without the benefit of magical names. Show me someone with a name that was clearly made up out of whole cloth who is accomplished outside of a grievance organization or college professorship in Oppressed Group Studies.

5. Creative Spelling – The "Jaieydyieyn" example above works well for this subset, and serves to show that combinations of misguided naming opportunities are manifold. This method is common for parents who want their little girls to grow up to be strong, confident, independent strippers. Kymbarlie, Syndi, Lawryn, Gynafyr…all topless, all the time!! Substitute a couple of letters and you exponentially increase your daughter's chances of seeking validation through the approval of Natie-Lite-soaked frat boys.

Other honorable mentions –

• Virtue Names – Unless you are ready to raise your child to embody the virtue you've named them, this is just an easy opportunity for irony. See: Chastity Bono.
• Trendy/Pretty/Overused Names – Ugh. Just look at the Social Security Baby Names web site. The top 100 are a treasure trove of candidates for the title "Precious Princess." Emily, Isabella, Abigail, Ashley, Alyssa, Brianna… Then of course there is the actual name Princess. Honestly. What little girl starting middle school, trying to fit in and avoid cruel adolescent scrutiny, is going to thank her parents for that?
• Names Which Must Have Seemed Hysterical When Mom and Dad Were High - You hear about kids with names like Robin Hood, Dick Sweat, etc. Names that Bart might use when prank-calling Moe's Tavern: Jacque Strap, Amanda Huggankiss, Hugh Jass... They may have kept their kid from becoming a mass murderer, if only to avoid the publiciy, but they've just as surely cursed it to a similar lifestyle.
• Awesome Names that Only Work If You're Famous - Penn Gilette's daughter is named Moxie Crimefighter, and I once heard of a Basketball player from Africa whose mother, enamoured with English words, named him Scientific Maps. I wish my name was Scientific Maps!
  

The ultimate danger in all this is that the child will eventually believe that they are, in fact, exceptional or unique by the very fact of an unusual, unspellable or unpronounceable name. We have a word for people like this. Narcissists. And studies bear out that we're raising the most narcissistic generation of insufferable, entitled, spoiled-rotten-brats to ever blight our fair Republic. And that includes hippies!

My current feeling is that there are many good names to be found from the turn of the 20th century; names that are just starting to regain popularity among the few hipsters who are non-carbon-footprint-friendly enough to breed. Alice, Augusta, Henry, Hazel, Martin, Victor, etc. A hip local blogger, named Soule Mama, has three little ones named Calvin, Ezra, and Adelaide. Lovely! Somewhat obscure, but recognizable. There are also the Biblical names that are neither overused (Jesus, any Gospel writer, Michael, Jacob, Jeremiah, Rebecca) nor comically obscure (Melchizedek , Cleophas, Mahershalalhashbaz - no kidding!); names like Jedediah, Isaac, Esther, Ruth, and Asa. And what about family names, and names from one's cultural or national heritage?

The idea with which I'd like to close is simply this: aren't there enough wonderful names out there, with wonderful histories and meanings and derivations, without our trying to chuck it all for the sake of "uniqueness"? It's said that there is nothing new under the sun. Just look around and you'll find there's plenty already under the sun that's wonderful enough.

UPDATE!! - Uncannily, I discover that I'm not the only one thinking about our horrible naming habits these days! Apparently, people are...ugh, to even write it down seems like endorsement... HIRING CONSULTANTS TO NAME THEIR CHILDREN FOR THEM. Which, I suppose, wouldn't be all bad if the parents would butt-the-heck-out of the process entirely. I'd actually feel great about these people not only voluntarily relinquishing their foregone abuse of responsibility, BUT ALSO giving some "professional" ridiculous amounts of money. It's so coastal crazy, don'tcha think? Sadly, they usually provide a list of offenders to the hired brain, and so we'll still get choices like D'aw-Shayne or Harvest. And don't count our numerological options! Or, to put it another way: Please DO!!

One of my heros, Thomas Sowell, provides us with some simple insight.